Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.