A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Wasps: bees, but not helping
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.