How long do you have to wait between naps?
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[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.