As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Okay me first
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.