“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Not today. 😅