For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
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The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
never forget
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Comparing yourself to others
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.