“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Shower sex be like:
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home