Me too door. Me too.
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
New mindset, who dis?
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there