king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Knock Knock
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Smells like a challenge to me
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before