This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*