When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.