If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths