If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.