7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass