Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
DOOO EEEET
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.