*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
You Might Also Like
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive