ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Haha good job!!