Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Doctors texting each other.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”