As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
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Has there ever been a more American story?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.