Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
You Might Also Like
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
somewhere, in an alternate universe
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you