Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
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*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
japanese corn
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26