Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN