I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!