Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
never ask a starfish for directions
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?