Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
#ProTip
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
rise and shine we got egg
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I mean…but I did
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
bugs when you lift up a rock
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”