“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”