If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.