My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Tastes like chicken.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.