People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
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ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.