DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
This is so me 😂😂
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.