How to properly lift a body
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Just me?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Merica.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
congratulations to them
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.