Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?