gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Autocarrot sucks!
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September