Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You Might Also Like
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”