If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
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3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.