I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied