Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Ummm
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type