Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
You Might Also Like
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
*orders delivery*
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today