I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
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Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?