It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
You Might Also Like
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I occasionally drink every single night.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.