An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.