As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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I put the mess in domestic.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl