What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”