My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
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Meowchelangelo
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke