What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.