[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I love it all
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.