What even happened today?
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A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown