I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle