Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
WHO DID THIS?
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Cat is stressing him out.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat