“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
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Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.